


The Unconventional Problems of Jared the Human and his Shifter Mate Jensen

by keep_waking_up



Series: Unconventional [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abortive Attempt at Sentient Bestiality (by the animal), Fluff, M/M, Punny Song References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-18 00:15:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3548903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keep_waking_up/pseuds/keep_waking_up
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared’s got ninety-eight problems, and all of them are male and occasionally feline.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Unconventional Problems of Jared the Human and his Shifter Mate Jensen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alycat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alycat/gifts).



> Written for alycat as a very, VERY belated birthday present.

Jared didn’t normally listen to rap music.  He wasn’t exactly what anyone would call a rap type of guy.  In general, he tended to like eighties and nineties pop/rock.  He was a not-so-secret fan of Madonna and Elton John, among others, and in his car, he was more likely to belt along to Britney Spears’s “...Baby, One More Time” than anything by Jay-Z, 50 Cent, or Nicki Minaj.  (Although, actually, he kind of had a weakness of Nicki’s song “Starships,” but that was a whole other story.)

 

Still, he couldn’t exactly avoid hearing _some_ rap, and when the song “99 Problems” came on his late-90s-early-2000s station, he didn’t turn it off.  In fact, he thought it was kind of appropriate.  Jared had about ninety-nine problems.  A girl was not one of them.

 

No, about ninety-eight of Jared’s ninety-nine problems were male.  And occasionally feline.

 

 

*

 

 

**Problem #9:  This Ain’t Cotton Candy; This Is A God Damn Furball!**

 

_Jared was eating cotton candy.  Only, it wasn’t sweet and it didn’t dissolve in his mouth.  Instead, it was bitter on his tongue and it feft like it was_ expanding _instead of melting away.  Some got stuck in his throat and he started choking—_

 

Jared lurched forward as he woke up, hands going to his throat as he coughed up what he knew was soft, silky cat hair.  Scrambling out of bed, he raced to the sink to rinse out his mouth.  It took three cups of water before he felt like there wasn’t any fur left.  A glance at the clock told him it was four in the morning.

 

Staggering back to bed, Jared swiped a hand over his pillow.  Sure enough, there was a layer of cat fur over the entire thing.  “ _Jensen_!” He yelled hoarsely, and glared when a cat-shaped head emerged from under the covers of their bed, looking sleepy and faux-innocent.  “Jensen, what did I _tell_ you about laying on the pillows?!”

 

Jensen merely blinked at him condescendingly, before slinking back under the blankets with a dismissive twitch of his tail.

 

Jared felt the very strong urge to grab that tail and just _yank_.  Instead, he threw the blankets off the bed and grabbed Jensen by the scruff of his neck.  “No. Laying.  On.  The.  Pillows,” he commanded, shaking Jensen a little with each word, even as his boyfriend hissed back.  “Next time you’re on the couch!”

 

The look Jensen gave him said he was clearly unconvinced.  Jared opened his mouth to push the point forward, but then Jensen was shifting, fur rippling away under Jared’s hand and leaving only smooth skin behind.  Jared’s boyfriend—or mate, depending on which of them was speaking—darted forward and licked Jared’s lips playfully.  “No pillows,” Jensen repeated, twining his arms around Jared’s neck and pulling him down over his naked body.  “No.  Pillows.”

 

Jared didn’t really have much opportunity to speak after that for a good while.

 

 

*

 

 

**Problem #23: That’s Why The Lady Is A Cat**

 

Jensen, in his feline form, was undeniably elegant.  They’d gone to a national park once, up in the mountains with plenty of rocks and trees.  Jensen had spent the entire day in his oncilla form, running and leaping and climbing with the sort of grace Jared could never aspire to.

 

Jensen, as a human, was less than coordinated, which was probably because he’d spent his first twenty-or-so (they really weren’t sure) years thinking he was entirely feline.  Although Jensen managed to be almost elegant during sex (watching Jensen ride him was one of the joys of Jared’s existence), the rest of the time he was pretty much nothing but thumbs.

 

“C’mon, Jensen,” Jared coaxed, sitting on the floor beside his bed with two plates, trying to get his boyfriend out from under it after another disastrous attempt at teaching Jensen how to use silverware.  “You can’t eat as a cat your entire life.  Don’t you like spaghetti?  And isn’t spaghetti hard to eat with fangs?”

 

Over the months, Jared had learned to somewhat understand Jensen’s sounds in cat form, even though they were mostly just shades of annoyed.  The disgruntled _mmphrf_ from under the bed confirmed that, yes, Jared was right, spaghetti was awesome, but also made it clear that Jensen had absolutely _no_ intention of subjecting himself to the trials of proper human eating ever again.

 

Jared crossed his arms.  “Jensen, human _babies_ learn how to do this.”  Well, he knew human toddlers did, at least.  Actually, when _did_ kids learn how to use silverware?  “You don’t want to be shown up by some six-year-old, do you?”

 

The responding growl told Jared that Jensen was perfectly happy to let some plump little child play around with silver sticks if they wanted, but _he_ was having no part of it.

 

Jared drew out his last resort.  “Oh well,” he sighed dramatically.  “I _was_ going to take you out to a nice dinner with _steak_ , but I guess now I won’t be able to.”

 

At the mention of steak, Jensen nearly scrambled out from under their bed, in human form almost instantly.  He held out his hands, palms up.  “Silver Ware?” He asked with a ridiculously sweet smile.

 

 

*

 

 

**Problem #36: You And Me, Baby, Ain’t Nothing But Felines**

 

Jared woke up with a warm body humping his leg.  Once upon a time, he might have smiled a bit and leaned into it without bothering to open his eyes.  He’d learned better though.  His eyes _immediately_ shot open.

 

“Jensen, _no_!”  Pushing himself back against the headboard, Jared yanked his leg out of his boyfriend’s reach.  Normally, he’d be more than down to get his early morning sex on, but his boyfriend was currently cat-shaped, and Jared wasn’t touching that with a ten-foot pole.  “What have I told you?!  No sex or humping or _anything_ unless you’re in your human form!”

 

With a resentful glare, Jensen humped his hips down twice more against the bed covers, giving Jared too much of a view of his very feline cock.  Shaking his head, Jared tried to assert himself more firmly.  “Cats and humans don’t have sex, Jensen.  There are _reasons_ for that.”

 

Jensen slunk forward, and Jared would have pushed him off the bed if he hadn’t changed shape at the last minute.  “Sex,” he said demandingly, rubbing his cock against Jared’s belly.  “Want sex.”

 

With Jensen in his wickedly sexy human form, Jared did not have a problem with that.  “Yeah, sure,” he answered breathily, grabbing a hold of Jensen’s (smooth, tight, _hot_ ) ass.

 

Two seconds later, he was holding fur.  He promptly sent Jensen flying off the bed.

 

Jensen managed to land on his feet like the cat he was, and immediately set to hissing at Jared.  “I told you!” Jared yelled back.  “No sex in your cat form!  No means no, Jensen!”

 

Jensen had a hard time understanding the concept of “no” on his best days, and he couldn’t understand why Jared didn’t want to fuck his furry self on any day at all, so he swished his tail angrily and stalked off, leaving Jared (and his boner) alone.

 

“Real mature, Jensen!”  Jared shouted after him, and retreated to the shower to angrily jerk himself off.

 

 

*

 

 

**Problem #43: Back In Spots**

 

Opening the front door to his house after a long day of work was one of the more dangerous moments of Jared’s day.  Considering his job, that was kind of impressive.

 

Carefully, Jared turned his key in the lock, glancing over his shoulder to make sure no one else was on the street, before quickly yanking his door open, throwing himself inside, and slamming the door closed behind him.

 

Instantly, six-foot-one of naked, purring Jensen was pressed up against his front.  “Jared,” Jensen said huskily, hand snaking down to squeeze Jared’s dick through his pants.

 

Smiling, Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen soundly on the mouth.  “Hey, you.”  Jensen blinked at him happily in reply and then kissed him some more.  When he deigned to let Jared breathe again, Jared leaned back against the door and laughed a little.  “How was your day?”

 

Jensen’s green eyes flickered to the floor in an all-too-familiar way.  If his boyfriend had a tail in his human form, Jared was pretty sure it would be flicking anxiously.  “Jensen,” Jared groaned.  “What did you do this time?”

 

Jensen’s eyes darted toward the remnants of Jared’s home phone on the floor by the kitchen.  A phone that had been in pristine condition just that morning when Jared had left to go to work.

 

“And _why_ did you break the phone?” Jared asked, exasperated, as he pushed Jensen away and went over to clean up the mess.  On the kitchen counter, the light on the voicemail machine was flickering at him, indicating unheard messages.  On autopilot, Jared clicked the button so they would start playing.

 

“ _Jared Padalecki_!” roared the voice of Jared’s elderly neighbor, Mrs. Lowvin.  “I don’t know what kind of neighborhood you and your boyfriend think this is, but nude sunbathing in your backyard is _not_ okay!  My _grand-daughters_ saw that boy of yours stretched out naked today from the guest room window!  I had to explain to them what a _penis_ was, do you understand me?  I expect repara—”  The message cut off with a loud beep.

 

Jared slowly turned around to look at Jensen.  He stared.

 

Jensen shifted from foot-to-foot, clearly uncomfortable.  “Stupid children,” he finally muttered in his still-stilted speech.  “Sun on skin good.”

 

Rubbing a hand over his face, Jared resolved to take Jensen to a nude beach the next time his boyfriend decided he needed sun.

 

 

*

 

 

**Problem #50: Walking On Catnip**

 

What could Jared say?  He enjoyed volunteering at animal adoption centers occasionally.  It was nice to spend time with animals waiting be adopted, and not have to worry about them being killed if he didn’t take them home with him.  An animal lover of all sorts, Jared was equally happy to romp with puppies as he was to cuddle with kittens.

 

It was the kittens that got him in trouble.  He hadn’t really considered how things that affected them might affect Jensen.  It was his own fault really.  He had no one else to blame.

 

When Jensen practically plastered himself to Jared’s back as soon as he got home, Jared didn’t really think anything of it.  Jensen was naturally affectionate and Jared was the only person he really interacted with, so it wasn’t that much of a surprise.  When Jensen knelt down and started nosing at the back of Jared’s balls like a Shifter possessed?  That was a little more unusual.

 

Holding perfectly still, Jared tried to figure out what was going on.  “Uh, Jensen?” He asked cautiously.  “What are you doing?”

 

“Mmmm,” Jensen purred, the vibrations against Jared's balls making him shiver.  “Smell good.”

 

“Thought I always smelled good,” Jared tried, jokingly.  “The whole mate thing and all?”

 

“Mmm-hmm,” Jensen agreed dreamily, nuzzling closer and pushing Jared’s legs further apart so he could really rub his cheek up against Jared.  “Always smell good.  Now smell _better_.”

 

With the way Jensen was clinging to him, there really wasn’t any way for Jared to turn around that _wasn’t_ awkward, so he just gave into it and leaned his chest up against the nearby wall, waiting for Jensen to be done with whatever he was doing, and hoping that he could convince Jensen to give him one of his “lick-jobs” when he was done.    Reaching down, Jared squeezed his cock through his pants as Jensen began enthusiastically rubbing his face up and down both of Jared’s legs. Jared thought he heard him humping the floor in the background. 

 

Soon enough, Jensen let out a soft mewl and then collapsed on his back on the floor, smiling up at Jared from between his legs.  His pupils were the size of saucers.

 

“Awww, fuck,” Jared said, kneeling over him.  “It’s the catnip, isn’t it?  You’re high on catnip.”

 

Jensen smiled at him smugly and promptly went to sleep, leaving Jared to jerk off alone and thoroughly regret his life choices.

 

 

*

 

 

**Problem #72: I Just Wanna Be One Of The Cats**

 

So the thing was… nobody had actually met Jensen--not officially, as Jared’s boyfriend.  Not because _Jared_ didn’t want them to, but because Jensen was absolutely terrified of meeting any humans other than Jared.

 

“Please?”  Jared tried, but his boyfriend just turned his back on him and whipped his tail angrily, which kind of pissed Jared off, to be honest.  It wasn’t _his_ fault that he had friends that had practically demanded he go out with them, after pretty much being holed up with Jensen for the past couple of months.  “Fine,” Jared said angrily, pulling his jacket on, grabbing his wallet, and stalking toward the door.  “I’ll be back late.  Don’t wait up.”  He slammed the door behind him.

 

It was after midnight when he did get back, and the house was dark.  Jared slipped off his jacket tiredly, trying to be quiet because he didn’t want to wake Jensen.  Jensen could be very grouchy when woken up at the wrong time, and Jared had been kind of hoping for make-up morning sex.  Jared wasn’t very good at staying angry.

 

But when he flicked the light on, Jensen was sitting on the couch, fully dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants.  His clumsy fingers were plucking at the material of his sweatpants unhappily, but there he was, sitting there with them still on.

 

Concerned, Jared went and knelt in front of him.  “Jensen,” he said.  “Jensen, what’s wrong?”  When Jensen didn’t look at him or reply, Jared cupped his face gently and tilted his head until his eyes were visible.

 

Jensen was crying.

 

Jared had never seen Jensen cry before.

 

“Jensen?” He asked hoarsely, trying to figure out what’s going on.

 

Jensen looked at him and his lower lip trembled.  “Leave.”

 

Hurt, Jared pulled back.  “I… why do you want me to leave?”

 

“No!”  The denial was quick, soothing any fears Jared had had.  “No.  Not.  I.”  Jensen shook his head unhappily, working his jaw like he wasn’t happy with it.  Jared knew Jensen still struggled to get words out right sometimes, which never failed to frustrate him.  “No.  You leave me.  Going to.”  He looked at the door, then back at Jared, and a fat tear slipped down his cheek.  “Because.  Can’t speak.  Can’t Silver Ware.  Don’t like clothes.  Fur.”  Jensen made some kind of jerky gesture at himself.  “Not good mate for Jared.”

 

Those might have been the most horrible words Jared had ever heard in his life.

 

Scrambling up onto the couch, Jared pulled Jensen into a tight hug, smashing his face against his chest.  “No,” he said firmly.  “You’re the perfect mate, Jensen.  I can’t…”  He bit down on his lower lip, trying to keep himself under control.  He spoke with as much feeling as he could, voice wavering a little with emotion.  “I’m sorry.  I’m really sorry because I’m the one who’s made you feel like this and that makes _me_ a bad mate, not you.  I love you.  I love you so much, and all those little things?  They don’t really matter.  They don’t matter the way you matter.” 

 

Pulling back, Jared forced Jensen to look him in the eye.  “You could be eating the squirrels that play in the backyard and I’d still love you.”  He paused.  He didn’t want Jensen getting ideas.  “Though I’d expect you to brush your teeth before any kisses.”  Jared smiled and continued softly, “I love you just the way you are and I’ll love whoever you turn out to be one year, or five years, or ten years from now.  As long as you’re Jensen, I love you.”

 

Jensen blinked up at him, green eyes wide, and then he was kissing Jared within an inch of his life, pushing him back on the couch and climbing on top of him.  Jared wasted no time in rolling them over and getting Jensen’s legs around his waist.  They kissed until they were breathless, and then held each other close, breathing into each others’ mouths as their hips worked together rhythmically.  Jared could feel Jensen’s hard cock pressing against his through the layers of their clothing, but that hardly seemed to matter compared to the way Jensen was looking up at him, eyelashes wet and complete and utter adoration in his eyes.

 

“I love you,” Jared whispered as he came, biting down on Jensen’s neck as his orgasm washed over him.

 

Jensen hissed a bit at the pain, but only hugged Jared tighter and growled, “mate” as he came himself, coating Jared’s old sweatpants in his come.

 

 

*

 

 

**Problem #99:  I’ve Got 99 Problems And My Boyfriend Ain’t One**

 

Okay, so maybe Jared had phrased it all wrong in the first place.  Jensen was many things: his mate, his lover, his boyfriend, and sometimes even his cat.  However, Jensen wasn’t a problem, or even many problems.  Jensen was the one thing in Jared’s life that wasn’t a problem at all.

 

 


End file.
